We're Good

By Matt Burns

All right, let’s see…what do we got here?

Um, ok, the condom was on. Spermicide was on the condom. She said she was on the pill. Yeah, we’re good.

Yeah, the condom had spermicide on it. And she said she was on the pill. Bada-bing, bada-boom. We’re good.

Right, so, basically, I have three things working in my favor. One, I wore a condom. Two, the condom had spermicide on it. And three, she said she’s on birth control, which I believe. Why would she lie about that? She wouldn’t unless she’s psycho and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t. Unless I completely misread her.

Yep, there was a condom. Spermicide. Birth control. One-two-three-punch. We’re good. We’re golden. Smooth sailing. Bon Voyage.

Even if I wasn’t wearing the condom, we’d still be good. Couples on the pill don’t use condoms ever, so I didn’t even need the condom.

Yeah, there was a condom.


And birth control.

OK, it did slip. The condom slid a bit. A tad. A little. But that doesn’t matter. Because I still had spermicide and birth control working for me. No biggie. No big deal.

Even if the condom came completely off, I’d still be good, cuz there was spermicide in there killing off the sperm. Not to mention the birth control, which was killing off everything else. I have absolutely nothing to worry about. Are you kidding me right now? Are you seriously still thinking about this? We’re so fucking good.

All right, it came off! The condom came off! Somewhat. No, completely!!! Is that what you wanna hear?! Off! Completely! But only for a few seconds. And I still had spermicide in there, remember. And she said she was on birth control. Two definite factors were on my side.

Jesus Christ, what did ya expect me to do? What, am I supposed to NOT have sex forever?! God forbid I have some fucking sex!!!

OK, so say we rule out the condom completely (even though it was only off for a few seconds). There’s still the spermicide and birth control. You can’t deny that shit.

So, basically, I have two definite things working for me here. Spermicide. And birth control. No worries. Rahlaaaaaaaaaaax. We’re good.

Yeah, so there’s spermicide - that’s one. And she said she’s on birth control - that’s two. This isn’t rocket science. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to figure this out. I’m safe. Yeah, I’m safe. I’m safe.

OK, let’s say – hypothetically – you took away the spermicide. I’d still be good. Birth control is all you really need. She’s on birth control and that’s that. Period! Birth control, that’s all you need.

God, if you get me outta this one I swear I’ll never have sex again. I’m not ready to have kids! Not with that girl. I hate that girl! She wanted it, not me!

All right, maybe I wanted it, too. But it was her idea to go on top. I didn’t want her to go on top cuz I knew the condom would come off. I had a feeling it would and - ta-da - what do ya know, it came off!

Please, God, I’m not ready for kids. Don’t give me a kid, please don’t give me a kid. You’d do that, wouldn’t you?! God forbid I have a little sex! What if I never get married?! What, so in that case I can’t have sex forever, then?! Is that how it is?!

Fuck, this isn’t how I wanted things to be. If you just made Karen fall in love with me in the first place I never would have hooked up with a random girl at a bar! Why’d you have to go and keep me and Karen apart, God?! What the fuck is your great plan, anyway?! It’s YOUR fuckin’ fault there’s so many unplanned pregnancies! You keep every one apart from each other and super-horny! It’s all your fault!!!

Fuck it, I’ll stop. I’ll stop. OK, I’ll stop. I’ll stop. This is so ridiculous. We’re good, dude. There’s nothing to worry about. Don’t worry, be happy. No problemo.

It’s not like abortion is the WORST thing in the world. Not that I have to worry about that, anyway.

OK, let’s just say that I paid for ONE abortion. Yeah, ONE abortion. Big friggin’ deal. One abortion. Is that a ONE-way ticket to hell? Nah, I don’t think so. God, you would be a total sick bastard if you did that. Really, you would. I can’t believe you’d do that. You’re a sick bastard.

Fine, send me to hell. I don’t give a shit. Send me to hell. Fucker.

Hahahaha. I’m just kidding. Obviously, I’m just kidding here. Ever hear of comedy? Can you take a fucking joke? Hahaha.

But, yeah, ok…let’s recap.

Spermicide? Yeeeeeeeeeup.

Birth control? Yeeeeeeeeup.

God’s a fucking dickhead? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeup.

Joking. Just joking. Joking. Joking, you fuck!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!


But, yeah…I think we’re good.



About Matt Burns
Films and Videos
Wedding/Event Videography
Paranormal Writing (NEW!)
Short Scripts/Stories
Essays/Blogs Archive
Fun Writing
Fan Mail
Contacting Matt Burns
e-mail me