Pure Sextacy



"A wonderful comedy script. I would be shocked if this doesn’t get made soon."

-Chris Messineo (filmmaker/founder Moviepoet.com")




PURE SEXTACY


EXT. APARTMENT. MORNING

The birds chirp. The sun shines. The cars honk...

The front door to the apartment opens. JOHN - mid 20s - takes a step out the door. KAREN - mid 20s - sees him out.

JOHN
Talk to you later, ok?

KAREN presses her lips into a smile.

KAREN
Ok.

JOHN gives her a peck on the forehead and gets on his way.


INT. JOHN’S CAR. MORNING

SLAM! The driver’s door shuts. JOHN starts the engine and puts the car in drive.

JOHN (V.O.)
All right...condom was on. Spermicide was on the condom. And she says she’s on birth control. So we’re good.

He pulls out of the parking space and drives a bit.

JOHN (V.O.)
The condom had spermicide on it. And she said she’s on a pill so we should be good.

He drives a bit more. His face remains stoic.

JOHN (V.O.)
Yeah, so, basically, I have three things working in my favor. One, I wore a condom. Two, the condom had spermicide on it. And three, she said she’s on birth control, which I believe. Why would she lie about that? She wouldn’t.

He drives a little more.

JOHN (V.O.)
Yeah, so condom...spermicide...birth control. We’re good.


INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY

JOHN - carrying a basket-full of items - makes his way down an aisle.

JOHN (V.O.)
There was a condom. Spermicide. Birth control. One-two-three-punch. We’re good.

He takes an item off the shelf and drops it into his basket.

JOHN (V.O.)
Even if I wasn’t wearing the condom, we’d still be good. Couples on the pill don’t use condoms ever, so I didn’t even need the condom.

JOHN suddenly bumps into somebody who knows him - a WOMAN with bright red LIPSTICK.

LIPSTICK
Oh, hi there, John. How are you?

JOHN
Oh hi, Mrs. Waters.

JOHN (V.O.)
Condom...

JOHN
I’m...

JOHN (V.O.)
Spermicide...

JOHN
Good.

JOHN (V.O.)
Birth control.


INT. JOHN’S CAR - DRIVING ON ROAD. DAY

JOHN drives in silence for a few moments. When, suddenly...

JOHN (V.O.)
OK, it did slip. The condom slid a bit. A little. But that doesn’t matter. Because I still had spermicide and birth control working for me.


INT. GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE. DAY

JOHN walks into his grandmother’s house and gives GRANDMA a big fat kiss on the cheek.

JOHN
Hi, grandma.

GRANDMA embraces him.

JOHN (V.O.)
Even if the condom came completely off, I’d still be good, cuz there was spermicide in there killing off the sperm. Not to mention the birth control, which was killing everything else.


INT. CHURCH. DAY

JOHN sits in a pew alone...stoically watching the PRIEST say the Mass.

JOHN (V.O.)
All right, it came off! The condom came completely off! Is that what you wanna hear, God! Is that what you wanna hear?! Off! Completely! But only for a few seconds. And I still had spermicide in there and she said she was on birth control. Two definite factors were on my side.

The PRIEST is at the point in the Mass where he says...

PREIST
And now let us show each other a sign of peace...

JOHN turns to his fellow PARISHIONERS and shakes their hands.

JOHN (V.O.)
Jesus Christ, what did you expect me to do? What am I supposed to not have sex forever?! God forbid I have some fucking sex!!!


INT. CLASSROOM. DAY

JOHN (the teacher) lectures a class of HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.

JOHN (V.O.)
OK, so say we rule out the condom completely (even though it was only off for a few seconds). There’s still the spermicide and birth control.

He lectures the STUDENTS some more.

JOHN (V.O.)
So, basically, I have two things working for me here. Spermicide and birth control.


INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE. DAY

JOHN chit-chats with his fellow TEACHERS.

JOHN (V.O.)
Yeah, so there’s spermicide - that’s one. And she said she’s on birth control - that’s two. So...it’s not rocket science here...I’m safe. Yeah, I’m safe.


INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM. NIGHT

JOHN lies awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

JOHN (V.O.)
Even if you take away the spermicide I’d still be good. Birth control is all you need. She’s on birth control and that’s that. Period. Birth control, that’s all you need...


INT. CHURCH. DAY
JOHN is alone again in a pew, stoically watching the Mass.

JOHN (V.O.)
(desperate)
God, if you get me outta this one I swear I’ll never have sex again. I’m not ready to have kids, God. Not with that girl. I hate that girl. She wanted it, not me. All right, maybe I wanted it, too. But it was her idea to go on top. I didn’t want her to, cuz I knew the condom would come off when she rode me like a carousel. I knew it would and - ta-da - what do you know, it came off.

He takes a moment to kneel in the pew.

JOHN (V.O.)
Please, God. I’m not ready for kids. Don’t give me a kid, please don’t give me a kid...you’d do that, wouldn’t you?! God forbid I have a little sex! What if I never get married?! What, so in that case I can’t have sex forever, then?! Is that how it-

His cell phone starts purring. He takes a look around to be sure nobody is in his close vicinity and answers.

JOHN
(whispering into phone)
Hello?
(pause)
You had your period? No, that’s great. Great news. Good job, Karen.
(pause)
You wanna see me again?
(pause)
Look...uh...Karen, I dunno...


EXT. APARTMENT. MORNING

JOHN gives KAREN a peck on the forehead and gets on his way.


INT. JOHN’S CAR. MORNING

SLAM! goes the door. JOHN starts the car and pulls away.

JOHN (V.O.)
OK, condom, spermicide, birth control...one - two - three - yeah, we’re good...


THE END

 


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