To keep myself sane while I do nothing but edit wedding videos for the next couple of months (and possibly the rest of my life), I have been going for a run almost every day in Bird Park near or around late afternoon. Get some exercise. Soak in a few rays. Step in a lot of goose shit.
Anyway, today I ran for about 40 minutes, looping around the park's non-scenic, goose-shit infested terrain over and over and over again. By the 'goldfish pond' (well, former 'goldfish pond' – now I believe it's called something like the 'smells-like-diaper pond'), there was a couple of lovers sitting on a bench, holding each other tight. It was a strange couple: a rather hot woman with nice breasts and a cute butt in her late 20s or early 30s with an older guy who was ugly and lazy and obviously an asshole.
"What a lucky asshole," I thought to myself while I ran by. "Clearly this woman can do better than this guy." I stuck out my chest and picked up my pace, trying to look like hot stuff. "Hey, baby. Here's the hot shit you want!!!" But she paid me no mind. Not even a glance. "Screw her," I told myself. "I'm better than that."
I passed the couple a total of three times during my run. By my fourth time around the pond, the couple had disappeared. They had gone somewhere else. Where? If only I had known....
By the end of my fourth loop, my legs were feeling heavy. This was mainly because the soles of my running sneakers had about seven layers of fresh goose shit on them. "Probably a good time to begin my cool down," I realized. I sputtered into a walk and headed for my car.
My car was parked in the 'upper lot' of Bird Park. Those of you who live in Walpole know this lot well. It's the one on Polley Lane. The one without pavement. The one where you will find creepy men doing creepy stuff in creepy vans at creepy hours of the day.
I entered the lot and slid my headphones to rest around my neck. My car was nestled between a creepy white van and another couple of cars. I walked up to it and opened the door. I grabbed my water bottle. I sat in the driver's seat. I took a sip…
Suddenly, I began to hear a faint creaking sound. Kind of like somebody jumping on a trampoline, only there wasn't any trampoline around. "Where the fuck is that noise coming from?" I wondered. I hopped out of the car and looked over my surroundings.
I turned to my right: nothing.
I turned to my left nothing.
I turned around: something.
The sound was coming from two cars away. I wiped the sweat away from my eyes and peered into the car's windows. There was a man and a woman inside. It was the couple I had seen in the park! They were moving around in a fashion that looked familiar. I had seen this kind of movement before. But where??? And, then, it hit me:
"Holy shit! They're screwing!!!"
Indeed they were. The hot girl was riding her man like she was on a friggin' carousel. And they were only a car's-length away from me. Yes, two people having sex only five or six feet away from me. I was in clear view. No doubt about that. But they didn't seem to give two shits. It was like they WANTED me to see them….
I must have been standing there - watching this couple bang - for a good seven seconds or so before my legs finally received the message from my brain that was telling them to get me the fuck out of there. I probably should have just hopped back in my car and drove away, but I panicked and fled back into the park.
Thus ensued a long walk through more piles of goose shit whilst pondering what I had just seen: "Those two people were screwing! Each other! They were screwing!!!" It was the last thing I had expected to see on this fine day in May. I was so damn shocked I could hardly walk. My muscles tremored like a doped-up Michael J. Fox.
But, gradually, my shock turned into rage:
"The fuck, man! I don't wanna see that shit! Get a hotel room!!! What, this is your first time getting laid in an eternity so you have to do it in public, just so dudes like myself can see you and feel all envious? Was THAT your intention?! Was it?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Maybe that wasn't the douche-bag's intention. Maybe the couple just wanted the thrill of "doing it in public". When I considered this as a possibility I started to feel as dirty as a sex toy. I had been reduced to a simple means of giving these kinky bastards their jollies. After all, if it wasn't for me "catching them" in the act...it wouldn't have been a thrill for them.
"So glad to be of some service to you folks!"
After ten minutes or so, I found myself up to my knees in goose shit. Yes, there I was, up to my knees in goose shit while those two assholes screwed away in the upper lot. "What the fuck...." I thought to myself. "This sucks."
I started to head back to the car, still trembling from the initial shock. Within a few minutes I was back in the upper lot, coughing and sneezing and dragging my feet across the gravel, just to give the couple a fair warning that I had returned. But there wasn't any need for this. The couple had stopped screwing. They were just sitting in the car, looking all happy and shit.
I hopped into my car. I turned on the engine. I put the car in reverse. I got the hell out of there....
And that was that: my first time catching a couple screwing. And it was in public. And they wanted me to see them. Years and years and years of watching the kinkiest of all pornography couldn't have prepared me for this moment. What a shock to the system.
My innocense seems to be getting more and more lost by the day now. As some of you know, it was only a couple months ago that I found myself face-to-face with a grown man dropping a deuce in a public, single-seater bathroom (see five or six blogs ago). This man refused to lock the door. This man refused to say "I'm in here!" when I knocked on the door. This man smiled and waved when I barged in on him. This man WANTED me to see him...just like the horny couple in the upper parking lot of Bird Park.
What's next? Dare I ask???