Great Little Drug


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM. DAY

The walls are white and sterile. 

There is a small table in the middle of the room covered with People and Fortune magazines. 

Five or six patients sit in chairs around this table. They all look like hell.

One PATIENT is slouched low in his chair, holding his stomach with his hands. Muffled ripples emanate from his body’s orifices. 

Another PATIENT is plagued by some horrible virus responsible for the thick green mucus webbed along each of her nostrils. 

A third PATIENT coughs twice per five seconds...and moans between each cough.
HARRY, a healthy looking man in his 30s, enters the waiting room.

All the sick PATIENTS turn their heads in his direction. 

HARRY heads over to the reception window on the other side of the room.


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - RECEPTION WINDOW. DAY

HARRY approaches the window.

There are photographs of babies and children plastered along the right side of the window.

CONNIE, a receptionist with an umbrella-waist and permed hair, swivels around in her chair and makes eye contact with HARRY.

She slides open the window.

CONNIE
‘Help you?

HARRY
Yeah, I have a 2:30 appointment with Dr. Dunham.

CONNIE
What seems to be the problem?

HARRY looks around the waiting room to see who could be overhearing the conversation.

By the looks of it, everyone is overhearing the conversation. All the PATIENTS’ eyes are on HARRY. 

HARRY
I got hives.

CONNIE checks HARRY out.

CONNIE
You do? I don’t see any.

HARRY
They’re on my chest.

CONNIE
Oh. Was it something you ate?

HARRY
No, I think it might be from the medication I’ve been taking.

CONNIE
What are you taking?

HARRY takes another glance at the Waiting Room. All the PATIENTS are waiting in suspense for HARRY’S answer.

HARRY
(quietly)
Malavox.

CONNIE
Malavox...that’s a great little drug, isn’t it?

HARRY
That’s what I’ve been hearing, but I don’t think it agrees with me.

CONNIE
Well, my husband was on Malavox and he didn’t have any problems with it. You know, I bet it was something you ate...

HARRY gets annoyed.

HARRY
No. Look, I think I should be discussing this with Dr. Dunham.

CONNIE gets defensive.

CONNIE
I’m just doing my job, sir.
(rudely)
Have a seat. Someone’ll be right with you.

She slides the window shut and swivels her back to HARRY.


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM. DAY

HARRY takes a seat within an empty chair. 

All the PATIENTS stare at HARRY with pathetic looks on their faces, as though it were his fault they got sick. 

The PATIENT with the cough has now increased his output to three coughs per five seconds.

And the noisy PATIENT has remarkably managed to limit his body’s sounds to those solely of flatulence.

HARRY slyly puts his shirt over his nose to protect himself from the exotic germs floating in the air. 

Soon, a young fox of a NURSE appears in the doorway across the room. She holds a fat file of records tight to her large bosom. 

NURSE
Harry?

HARRY hops to his feet.

Hatred drips into each of the PATIENTS’ faces. They are pissed that HARRY has been called before them. 

HARRY tries not to make eye contact with any of the PATIENTS as he walks toward the foxy NURSE. 

The NURSE stares into space as HARRY walks by her and through the doorway. No nod, no smile, no eye contact...as far as her face is concerned, HARRY doesn’t even exist.


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - NURSE’S STATION. DAY
It is almost like a small kitchenette, complete with a sink, counter and small refrigerator.
Atop the counter there are baskets of syringes and clear plastic cups filled with yellow liquid, which probably isn’t apple juice.

HARRY and the NURSE enter the station.

NURSE
Have a seat.

HARRY sits in a chair.

The NURSE wraps a Velcro strap around HARRY’S arm and tests his blood pressure.

NURSE (CONT’D)
What seems to be the problem?

HARRY
My chest is breaking out in hives.

The NURSE pumps his arm with pressure.

NURSE
Was it something you ate?

HARRY rolls his eyes.

HARRY
No, I think it might be the Malavox I’ve been taking.

NURSE
Malavox...that’s a great little drug, isn’t it?

HARRY gets annoyed.

The NURSE sees the BP reading.

NURSE
Hmmmm...well, your blood pressure IS a little high.

HARRY starts to panic.

HARRY
It is???

NURSE
Yeah. Hmmmm. Just got a little higher.

She rips the Velcro strap off HARRY’S arm.

NURSE (CONT’D)
OK, follow me.


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - PATIENT’S ROOM. DAY

It is very white and lit with bright florescent light. The only things adding color to the room are cheap imitation Monet paintings hanging from the walls.

There is a small counter in the corner of the room with a sink, drawers and boxes of latex gloves.

Opposite the sink is an observation table, covered with a sheet of thin white paper.

The door to the room opens and the NURSE shows HARRY into the room.

NURSE
So if you could just strip down to your underwear...Dr. Dunham will be right in.

HARRY hesitates.

HARRY
Is that really necessary? I mean, all I need looked at is my chest.

The NURSE smells a difficult patient.

NURSE
(rudely)
I can get you a johnny if you want.

HARRY
Well, I just don’t see why I need to...

The NURSE gives HARRY a hairy eyeball.

NURSE
Do you want the johnny?

HARRY gives in.

HARRY
No...that’s OK.

The NURSE smiles.

NURSE
Dr. Dunham will be right in.

She SLAMS!!! the door shut.

HARRY stands awkwardly in the center of the room.  

He takes off his shirt.

Drops his pants.

And peels off his sweaty socks.

His undershirt is the last thing to go. He pulls it up and over his head...revealing a hideous outbreak of hives on his chest. Yuck.  

Suddenly, the door to the room flies open. 

And it isn’t Doctor Dunham. It’s the NURSE! She is with another PATIENT!

HARRY pokes his head out from under his T-shirt and freezes in fear.

He wears nothing but the T-shirt turban on his head and a pair of (what once were white) cotton briefs.

The NURSE and the PATIENT are disgusted by the sight of the hives on HARRY’S chest....

...and his off-white underpants.

NURSE
Sorry...wrong room.

HARRY is abashed.

HARRY
But you were just-

SLAM! Goes the door. 

The NURSE has left the room as quickly as she came in.

HARRY (CONT’D)
...in here.

HARRY sighs and finishes pulling the undershirt over his head.

He throws the shirt on top of his pile of clothes and sits on the edge of the observation table. 

The room is very cold. HARRY needs to rub his arms to keep warm.


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - PATIENT’S ROOM. HALF HOUR LATER

HARRY is now shivering. His teeth chatter. And his muscles spasm at random. 

Finally, he hears the voice of DR. DUNHAM.

DR. DUNHAM
(from the hallway)
Yeah, we were in Orlando all last week. The wife and kids went ta Disney.

PATIENT
(from the hallway)
You didn’t go with ‘em?

DR. DUNHAM
No, I went golfin’. Hahaha.

The sound of footsteps crescendo.

A shadow of feet appear in the crack beneath the door.

The doorknob to the room turns.

And in comes DR. DUNHAM.

DR. DUNHAM, early 40s, wears a silver stud in his left ear and a stethoscope around his neck. 

He carries HARRY’S file in his hand.

DR. DUNHAM
Hey...

He glances at the file.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
...Harry. What seems to be the problem?

HARRY’S blue lips try to get the words out.

HARRY
My chest...is breaking out in hives.

DR. DUNHAM skims over HARRY’S file.

DR. DUNHAM
Have you been taking the Malavox?

HARRY
Yes.

DR. DUNHAM
That’s a great little drug, isn’t it?

He walks over to the sink in the corner of the room and lays the file to rest on the counter.

HARRY
Well, that’s the thing-

DR. DUNHAM runs the faucet and starts washing his hands.

DR. DUNHAM
-Tell me, Harry. Are you currently sexually active?

The question catches HARRY off guard.

HARRY
Well...uh...no, not at the moment. I mean, I’m kind of between girlfriends...but...you know, in the past...I’ve HAD sex before, if that’s what you mean...lots of it.

DR. DUNHAM has his back turned to HARRY. He smirks with mischief.

DR. DUNHAM
How about homosexual activity? Any of that?

HARRY is shocked by the question.

HARRY
Huh? Um...no. NO.

DR. DUNHAM smirks again.

He shuts off the faucet, takes a paper towel out of a dispenser, dries his hands and turns around to face HARRY.

His face now looks serious.

DR. DUNHAM
You sure?

HARRY
Yes, I’m sure. I don’t get what this has to do with-

DR. DUNHAM
-Tell ya what: let’s have a look at yourself.

DR. DUNHAM takes out his pen-sized flashlight.

DR. DUNHAM
Say, “Ahhhhhhh.”

HARRY opens his mouth wide.

HARRY
Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

DR. DUNHAM checks out his tonsils. 

DR. DUNHAM
Tell ya what, Harry: why don’t you swing your legs up onto the table for me.

HARRY does what he’s told.

DR. DUNHAM starts feeling HARRY’S abdomen.

HARRY is as tense as a boa constrictor.

DR. DUNHAM
Relax, Harry. Rectal exams don’t start for another couple ‘a years. Hahahaha.

HARRY indulges DR. DUNHAM with a giggle. 

DR. DUNHAM walks over to a box of latex gloves by the sink.

HARRY doesn’t like the sight of this.

DR. DUNHAM smothers his hands with latex.

DR. DUNHAM
Now I’m gonna check your testicles.

HARRY gulps.

DR. DUNHAM sounds like a walking textbook.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Your testicles are like two eggs connected in the back by a tightly coiled, thread-like tube called the epididymus.

DR. DUNHAM stands by the foot of the table rubbing his rubber gloves together.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
It’s important that you check your testicles for lumps every few weeks or so. Testicular cancer is most common in men, ages 19 to 40. 

HARRY is scared to death.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
So why don’t you pull your draws down for me. 

HARRY reluctantly pulls down his draws for DR. DUNHAM.

DR. DUNHAM rustles through what sounds like a rather dense bush.

HARRY’S face is frozen with fear. If ‘uncomfortable’ had a face, HARRY’S face would definitely be it.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Tell ya what: give me a nice deep cough.

HARRY coughs.

DR. DUNHAM rustles around some more. 

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
OK...

He pats the end of the table twice.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Sit up, Harry. 

HARRY sits up.

DR. DUNHAM tosses his gloves into a waste basket.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Putting your high blood pressure aside, I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with you. 

Make sure you eat well and exercise daily.

HARRY is puzzled.

HARRY
What about the hives?

DR. DUNHAM gives HARRY a condescending, doctor-knows-best look.

DR. DUNHAM
I’m going to give you something for those, Harry.

DR. DUNHAM whips out a pen and a prescription pad, scribbles something on the top sheet, tears the sheet off the pad and hands it to HARRY. 

HARRY takes the torn sheet of paper.

DR. DUNHAM heads toward the door. 

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
If they’re not gone in two weeks, come back ‘n see me.

DR. DUNHAM opens, steps through and SLAMS!!! the door before HARRY can say so much as a “thank you.”


INT. DRUGSTORE PHARMACY. DAY

HARRY joins the line of CUSTOMERS waiting to get their prescriptions filled.

The CUSTOMERS are as sick as the PATIENTS in the waiting room to the doctor’s office. In fact, many of the PATIENTS who were in the waiting room are now in line with HARRY.

Coughs, sniffs, farts, burps, grumbles and moans were never so commonplace. 

HARRY pulls his shirt up over his nose, again hoping to fortify his orifices from the exotic germs.


INT. DRUGSTORE PHARMACY. AN HOUR LATER

HARRY now looks very weak and tired.

He finally manages to work his way up to the front of the line.

A teenage CLERK with crusty white-headed pimples works the counter. His name-tag identifies him as KEVIN.

KEVIN
Dropping off or picking up, Sir?

HARRY removes his shirt from his face and hands KEVIN the prescription.

HARRY
Dropping off.

KEVIN takes a look at the written prescription. 

The sheet has nothing but a scribble on it; not one letter can be discerned.

KEVIN is confused.

KEVIN
You know what this says, Sir?

HARRY
No. I was hoping you would.

KEVIN
One moment, Sir.

KEVIN takes the prescription and walks into the back of the pharmacy.

He gives the prescription to a male PHARMACIST in his 50s with wrinkly smoker’s skin. His name-tag identifies him as PAUL.

PAUL looks confused.

HARRY watches from the counter.

KEVIN points to HARRY.

HARRY watches.

PAUL and KEVIN walk to the desk.

PAUL smiles at HARRY.

PAUL
Dropping off or picking up, Sir?

HARRY
Dropping off.

PAUL
What was the medication for, Sir?

HARRY peaks over his shoulder to see who in line might be listening: 

Everybody is.

He turns back toward PAUL.

HARRY
(almost whispering)
Hives.

PAUL
Pardon me, Sir?

HARRY
I’ve got hives...on my chest.

PAUL
And you don’t know what the doctor prescribed?

HARRY grows frustrated.

HARRY
No, I-

PAUL
-Well, I’m almost positive it says Malavox... 

HARRY
No, that couldn’t be right. I’m already taking Malavox.

PAUL nods as though he knows exactly what’s going on.

PAUL
Yes, Sir.

PAUL walks into the back and hands the prescription to a female PHARMACIST with cheap make-up and dry hair. Her name-tag identifies her as KATHLEEN. 

KATHLEEN is no less confused than the others. 

KEVIN stands awkwardly behind the counter, molesting one of his zits with his fingernail.

HARRY waits patiently. 

KEVIN stares open-mouthed at HARRY. His upper lip is crusted with dry zit-cream he must have used last night.

PAUL and KATHLEEN approach the front counter.

KATHLEEN
Yeah, I’m pretty sure it says Malavox...

HARRY
But-

KATHLEEN
I mean, Adonamax, Sir.

HARRY is confused.

HARRY
Adonamax...isn’t that for manic depression?

KATHLEEN (CONT’D)
Yes, Sir....have you been feeling a little down lately?

She smiles phonily.

Every CUSTOMER pokes their head out of the line, all waiting for HARRY’S answer in great suspense.

HARRY
No.

Both PHARMACISTS scratch their heads for a moment, wondering what they should do. 

PAUL
(to Kathleen)
I coulda sworn it said Malavox, but he told me he’s already on Malavox.

KATHLEEN
(to Harry)
Are you sure you’re not confusing Malavox with Monotox, Sir? 

HARRY
Yes, I’m sure.

KATHLEEN
You are?

HARRY
I mean, Malavox. Yes, it’s Monotox I’m on.

PAUL and KATHLEEN continue scratching their heads for another moment.

KATHLEEN
Sir, I’ll tell ya what we can do. I’m gonna call Dr. Dunham’s office and ask him what he prescribed. How does that sound?

HARRY
Yeah...sounds good.

KATHLEEN walks over to a phone and dials a number.


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - RECEPTION WINDOW. DAY

CONNIE is at the desk, flipping through some photos of her children.

The phone rings.

After the fourth ring, she answers.

CONNIE
(into phone)
Good afternoon, Dr. Dunham’s office. This is Connie speaking. How can I help you?

Words blabber out the other end of the line.

CONNIE (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Oh, I see...well, Dr. Dunham’s gone for the day. What seems to be the problem?

Some more words blabber on the other end.

CONNIE (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Oh...hives, huh? Well, I think Monotox is the best drug for that sorta thing. Yeah? How urgent is it? OK. Well, is he sure it wasn’t something he ate?


INT. PHARMACY. DAY

KATHLEEN has the phone to her ear.

KATHLEEN
(into phone)
Oh, that’s a good point. Hold on, let me ask.

She takes the phone off her ear and covers the mouthpiece.

KATHLEEN (CONT’D)
(to Harry)
Sir, do you think it could’ve been something you ate? 

CONNIE’S words blabber out of the phone.

KATHLEEN listens.

KATHLEEN (CONT’D)
(to Harry)
A peanut allergy maybe?

HARRY shakes his head.


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE. DAY

CONNIE
(into phone)
Yeah? Well, I hate to bother the poor guy when he’s golfin’. Buuuut...if it’s urgent, what can ya do? OK, I’m gonna put you on hold, hun.

CONNIE switches to another line and dials a number.


EXT. COUNTRY CLUB - GOLF COURSE. AFTERNOON

DR. DUNHAM, now wearing a short-sleeved Polo shirt and Khakis, walks the course with his fellow COLLEAGUES.

They all laugh hysterically.

DR. DUNHAM
So he says to me, he says, “Well, I HAVE had sex before, if that’s what you mean.”

DR. DUNHAM and his COLLEAGUES burst out in even louder laughter.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
And then, get this, ready? I says, “Hmmmm,” you know, acting completely serious, I says: “How about any homosexual activity?”

The laughter turns to outright cackling.

DR. DUNHAM can hardly get any more words out he’s laughing so hard.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
You...hahaha...you should’ve seen the look on his face!!! Hahaha!!!

Everybody nearly collapses from the laughter.

Then, a cell phone starts ringing.

It’s Dr. Dunham’s phone.

DR. DUNHAM un-clips the phone from his belt, composes himself and answers.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Hi, Connie. What’s happenin’?

CONNIE blabbers from the other end.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Oh...I see.

More blabbers from CONNIE on the other end.

DR. DUNHAM’S COLLEAGUES start to heckle him.

COLLEAGUE
Hey, Dennis...you got enough toilet paper in there?!

DR. DUNHAM smiles, but motions for them to shush.

DR. DUNHAM
(into phone)
Well, what did he come IN for, anyway?

CONNIE blabbers on the other end.

The COLLEAGUES are up to more mischief.

COLLEAGUE
Dennis! You need this plunger or what?!

DR. DUNHAM giggles, but quickly composes himself.

DR. DUNHAM
(into phone)
Hives, huh? Oh, I see.

He pushes one of the COLLEAGUES away from him.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Yeah, I must have given him...uh...Zanamax, then. Yeah, it was Zanamax.


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - RECEPTION WINDOW. AFTERNOON

CONNIE
(into phone)
Zanamax. OK, that’s what I thought. Thanks, Doctor Dunham.


EXT. GOLF COURSE. AFTERNOON

DR. DUNHAM
(into phone)
Yeah, OK. Yep.

He takes the phone away from his ear.

His COLLEAGUES are still cackling from their crazy antics.

DR. DUNHAM
You guys are bastards.

He fingers a switch on his phone.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Cell phone is going...

Presses it down.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
...off.

And clips the phone back onto his belt.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Where was I?

He thinks for a moment.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Oh, I got it. Now...you should’ve seen this guy’s cock! Or lack there of a cock, I should say!

The COLLEAGUES release awesome belly laughs.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
I mean, my two year old’s got a bigger pecker than this guy!

The belly laughs turn to high-pitched wails.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
But what he lacks in cock he makes up for with bush! I mean...hahaha...findin’ this guy’s pickle was like findin’ a needle in a haystack -hahahaha - LITERALLY!!! 

HAHAHAHA!!!

DR. DUNHAM and the COLLEAGUES collapse onto the green. They’ve lost all motor skills. 


INT. PHARMACY. AFTERNOON

KATHLEEN still has her ear to the phone.

KATHLEEN
(into phone)
Zanamax? Right, that’s what I thought.

She hangs up the phone.

PAUL smiles.

PAUL
It was Zanamax, right?

KATHLEEN nods.

PAUL (CONT’D)
Told ya.


INT. HARRY’S HOUSE - KITCHEN. NIGHT

Dirty dishes, grimy counters, empty bread-bags...overall, pretty filthy. 

There is a kitchen table covered with junk mail, supermarket fliers and a big bowl of blackened bananas. 

HARRY stands by the table, holding a case of Zanamax in his hand.

He reads the back label. 

Back Label: “Side effects include nausea, diarrhea...and hives.”

HARRY shrugs his shoulders.

HARRY
Doctor knows best.

And pops a pill.


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM. DAY

HARRY is back.

Another crop of sick PATIENTS sit around him, all farting, coughing, blowing, burping and the like. 

HARRY doesn’t look too out of place this time.

He blows his nose.

Coughs.

Even farts.

Soon, the foxy NURSE appears within the doorway across the room.

NURSE
Harry?


INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - PATIENT’S ROOM. DAY

HARRY sits on the edge of the observation table, wearing nothing but a pair of discolored cotton briefs.

DR. DUNHAM is at the sink, washing his hands.

DR. DUNHAM
What seems to be the problem, Harry?

HARRY
Well, I don’t know where to start. I’ve got a cold...diarrhea...

He looks down to his chest.

HARRY (CONT’D)
...and more hives.

His chest is even more hideous than before.

DR. DUNHAM finishes washing his hands and turns toward HARRY.

His face has a comforting smile on it. He undoubtedly has everything under control.

DR. DUNHAM
Tell me, Harry. Have you been engaging in any sexual activity?

HARRY gets uncomfortable.

HARRY
Um...well...uh...no.

DR. DUNHAM
How about any...

DR. DUNHAM decides not to finish the question.

HARRY
Any what???

DR. DUNHAM
Tell ya what: let ME ask the questions. OK, Harry?

DR. DUNHAM grabs a pair of rubber gloves from a box by the sink.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Why don’t ya swing your legs up onto the table for me.

HARRY does what he’s told. 

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Now I’m gonna check your testicles.

HARRY gulps.

DR. DUNHAM shifts into text-book mode.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Your testicles are like two eggs connected in the back by a tightly coiled, thread-like tube called the epididymus.

HARRY nods.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
It’s important that you check your testicles for lumps every few weeks or so. Testicular cancer is most common in men, ages 19 to 40.

He comes out of text-book mode.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Drop your shorts for me.

HARRY pulls down his shorts and stares straight at the ceiling.

DR. DUNHAM rustles around.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Tell ya what: give me a nice big cough.

HARRY coughs.

DR. DUNHAM finishes up.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
OK, sit up, Harry.

HARRY sits up.

DR. DUNHAM takes his rubber gloves off and throws them in the garbage.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Well...if you ask me, I think you just have to start taking better care of yourself.

HARRY looks ashamed.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Have you been exercising regularly?

HARRY
Probably not as much as I should be.

DR. DUNHAM gives HARRY a superficially comforting smile.

DR. DUNHAM
Tell ya what...

He goes over to the sink, opens a drawer and takes out a clear plastic bag marked “Bastrovox: Free Samples.”

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
I’ll give you something that’ll make you feel better.

He takes out a small sample-sized box of Bastrovox and walks over to HARRY.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Here ya go.

HARRY takes the box. The box itself doesn’t say anything about being a free sample. 

HARRY
Thanks. How much I owe ya?

DR. DUNHAM gives HARRY another superficially warm smile.

DR. DUNHAM
Tell ya what, Harry: that one’s on the house.

DR. DUNHAM rushes out of the room before HARRY can say anything else.


INT. HARRY’S HOUSE - KITCHEN. NIGHT

HARRY stands by the table, holding the box of Bastrovox in his palm.

The front of the box says, “Bastrovox: new, from the makers of Malavox!!!”

HARRY flips the box over.

Side effects include: “Anxiety, depression and hives.”

HARRY shrugs his shoulders.

HARRY
Doctor’s orders.

And pops the pill.


INT. HARRY’S HOUSE - BATHROOM. DAY

HARRY looks like hell.

He thrashes through his medicine cabinet, throwing things to the floor and squeezing various tubes of cream and toothpaste into the sink.

HARRY
Living alone, Harry. Living ALONE. Always living alone. No wife, no girlfriend, no friend whatsoever. What’s the purpose of your existence, Harry? Too many raw materials go to waste because of you.

He takes a Bic razor out of the cabinet and peels the plastic off the blade.

HARRY (CONT’D)
Think about it: how much food and water and shelter and...toilet paper is wasted on your filthy ass? Do everyone a favor and dispose of yourself, Harry.

He finally peels the plastic back far enough so that the sharp blade is exposed. 

He immediately proceeds to slit his wrist.

Blood trickles down his arms.

He hops in the bathtub, lies down and waits for death to take him away.

But, soon, he snaps out of it.

HARRY (CONT’D)
Oh my God. What have I done?


INT. HOSPITAL - PATIENT ROOM. MORNING

HARRY lies in a bed asleep. 

His wrists hang out the covers of his bed. They are wrapped with gauze and bandage. 

HARRY’S eyes twitch open.

DR. DUNHAM and one of his golfing COLLEAGUES (DR. HAGBERG) are in the room with him, both sipping from ceramic mugs of coffee.

DR. DUNHAM
‘Morning, Harry.

HARRY’S mind comes to.

HARRY
What happened???

DR. DUNHAM
That’s exactly what I was about to ask you.

DR. DUNHAM rests his mug of coffee on a tray table and sits in an armchair by the bed.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Talk to me, Harry. Why’d you try to kill yourself? 

HARRY thinks hard.

HARRY
I don’t know what got into me. I just got very depressed all of a sudden. It’s like every failure and shortcoming in my life suddenly came into my immediate consciousness. You know, things like living alone and not having a girlfriend and being unorganized- 

DR. DUNHAM grows tired of listening to HARRY’S problems.

DR. DUNHAM
Tell ya what, Harry. This is a colleague of mine: Dr. Hagberg. He’s a psychiatrist.

DR. HAGBERG wears a superficially concerned look on his face.

DR. HAGBERG
Let me ask you something, Harry. 

He sits on the edge of HARRY’S bed.

DR. HAGBERG (CONT’D)
Do ya think you may feel a little down because you haven’t been taking good care of yourself?

HARRY thinks for a moment.

HARRY
Yeah, I guess that could be it.

DR. HAGBERG smiles.

DR. DUNHAM smiles too.

DR. DUNHAM
Have you been exercising regularly?

HARRY
Still not as much as I should be.

DR. DUNHAM keeps smiling. He hops out of his armchair and grabs a pair of rubber gloves from a box mounted on the wall. 

DR. DUNHAM
Now I’m gonna check your testicles.

HARRY gulps.

DR. DUNHAM winks at DR. HAGBERG.

DR. HAGBERG tries to hide the smirk on his face.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Your testicles are like two eggs connected in the back by a tightly coiled, thread-like tube called the epididymus. 

HARRY knows the drill. He lifts his Johnny up to his stomach.

DR. HAGBERG glances at HARRY’S package and nearly lets loose a chuckle.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
It’s important that you check your testicles for lumps every few weeks or so. Testicular cancer is most common in men ages 19 to 40.

DR. DUNHAM rustles and feels around.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Cough, please.

HARRY coughs.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Good.

DR. DUNHAM peels his gloves off and throws them into a garbage pail.

HARRY puts his Johnny back into place.

DR. HAGBERG
Tell ya what, Harry: we want to keep you here a couple of days. It’s for your own safety.

HARRY
OK.

DR. HAGBERG
In the meantime, I’m gonna give you this great little drug called Adonamax. How does that sound?

HARRY smiles.

HARRY
Sounds good. 

DR. HAGBERG smiles back at HARRY and hands him a pill of Adonamax.

HARRY pops it.


INT. HOSPITAL - PATIENT’S ROOM. DAY

HARRY’S eyes look glassy and drugged. He watches a television hanging from the wall opposite his bed.

A male NEWS ANCHOR with bleached teeth, blushy cheeks and pinkish lips smiles into the camera.

NEWS ANCHOR
(on TV)
The FDA is under more scrutiny today after new studies suggest a link between the drug Adonamax and early heart attacks...

HARRY can’t believe what he’s hearing.

Suddenly, his neck and shoulders feel funny.

He sits up in bed and grabs his neck.

The pain runs into his brain and his eyes pop open.

Within moments, HARRY collapses.

He is unconscious.

Meanwhile, on TV...

NEWS ANCHOR
Those stories and more, right after these messages...


INT. A BRIGHT SUNNY KITCHEN. DAY (ADONAMAX COMMERCIAL)

New agey music and the sound of birds chirping underscore the images.

A middle-aged WOMAN sits at her kitchen table, sipping herbal tea.

WOMAN
I was feeling hopeless, like the world was closing in on me. I would shut myself off from my coworkers, my friends, even my family. I didn’t think there was any way out. That is, until my doctor recommended...Adonamax. 

The word ‘Adonamax’ slowly fades into the screen.

The commercial cuts to a shot of the WOMAN running in a field with her DOG.


INT. HOSPITAL - PATIENT’S ROOM. LATER

HARRY lies in bed, looking like a vegetable.

His vitals are at the bare minimum needed for him to be alive. 

The brain scanner shows very small waves every few minutes or so, but, for the most part, the line is flat.

DR. DUNHAM and DR. HAGBERG stand beside HARRY’S bed, both sipping mugs of coffee. 

DR. DUNHAM 
So I says, “what the hell you talkin’ about, ya crazy sonuvabitch. You didn’t golf a seventy-two.”

DR. HAGBERG laughs and sips his coffee.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
And he looks at me and says, he says, “I KNOW I didn’t golf a seventy-two, ya bastard. I golfed a seventy-one.” Hahahaha.

DR. HAGBERG nearly has to spit out his coffee he’s laughing so hard. 

Meanwhile, HARRY’S eyes lose their last semblance of life and roll back into his head.

The brain scanner flat-lines. 

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ. ‘Sonuvabitch died on us. 

HARRY lies dead on the bed.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
I really thought the Ostravox would bring him out of it. Looks like I owe ya ten bucks.

DR. HAGBERG clenches his fist as though he just won a round of craps.

DR. HAGBERG
Told ya.

DR. DUNHAM forces a look of seriousness into his face.

DR. DUNHAM
These people just don’t listen, Georgie. They think they can sit on the couch all day eating whatever they want, and not pay a price.

DR. HAGBERG
I said it before and I’ll say it again; it’s all the fast food these people eat. 

DR. DUNHAM
You know...I think you’re onto something, Georgie. 

DR. DUNHAM takes his last sip of coffee.

DR. DUNHAM (CONT’D)
You golfin’ tomorrow?

DR. HAGBERG
Yeah. You?

They both start to leave.

DR. DUNHAM
Yeah, I gotta see a few patients, but it shouldn’t take too long. The way I see it, why should WE work so hard, you know? I say let the drugs do the work. That’s what they’re there for. Ain’t that right, Georgie?

Their bellies laugh very hard and the two DOCTORS disappear out the door.

HARRY’S carcass is left alone to rot. 


THE END


 


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