Conception


INT. APARTMENT. NIGHT

KAREN and KEVIN, a good-looking married couple in their early 30s, sit at a candle-lit table in the middle of a warmly-lit living room. 

They are finishing up a lovely dinner, complete with red wine and cheesecake.

KAREN takes her last bite of cheesecake and places her fork on her plate.

KEVIN wipes his mouth with a cloth napkin and throws it on the table. He’s stuffed.

KAREN sits up straight in her chair and gives her stomach a feel.

Awkward silence hovers between the two. 

KEVIN looks nervous.

KAREN isn’t as nervous, but still looks as though something is on her mind. She swallows the last particles of cheesecake, looks at her husband and smiles rigidly.

KAREN
Are you ready?

KEVIN looks up from the table and gulps.

KEVIN
Well, why don’t we...why don’t we take a few minutes to digest, honey.

KAREN’S smile fades.

KAREN
Are you OK?

KEVIN
Yeah, I’m OK. I just...

KAREN senses something is wrong.

KAREN
What’s on your mind, hun?

KEVIN takes in some air.

KEVIN
I’m a little worried about...

KAREN’S eyes slant with concern.

KEVIN exhales.

KEVIN
...about...original sin.

KAREN
What?

KEVIN
I can’t do that to our baby, Karen.

KAREN
Do what?

KEVIN
Bring him into this world, knowing he’ll be stained with sin.

KAREN’S face sours.

KAREN
Him?

KEVIN realizes he slipped.

KEVIN
Him...her...whatever he is, I don’t want to be responsible for bringing him into this world the wrong way.

Another moment of awkward silence ensues. KAREN’S eyes roll away from her husband and focus on the dish in front of her.

KAREN
So...what...you don’t want to do this, then?

KEVIN reaches across the table and clasps onto KAREN’S hand.

KEVIN
Oh, no. No, I still want to do it, honey. But I want to do it the right way.

KAREN
How’s that?

KEVIN
Well, I think original sin comes from the lust inherent in the act of making the baby. 

KAREN listens.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
After all, the reason why Jesus was so perfect...was because - well, a virgin gave birth to him.

KAREN’S face takes on a puzzled look. 

KAREN
This is all stuff I hadn’t thought about.

KEVIN
Of course, it’s silly to think that we could ever make the baby without engaging in intercourse. But I think the trick is to somehow do it...without all the lust. 

KAREN looks disappointed.

KAREN
What do you suggest? Artificial insemination?

KEVIN breaks his hands loose from his wife and sighs.

KEVIN
No, I don’t think that’s the right thing either. See, artificial insemination takes away the lust, but it also takes away the love.

KAREN realizes he’s right.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
The idea is to somehow contain the lust and make nothing but LOVE.

KAREN
Do you think we can do that?

KEVIN rubs his chin and takes a moment to think.

KEVIN
I think so.

He looks deep into his wife’s eyes.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Because I love you, Karen.

KAREN meets his gaze.

KAREN
I love you too.

KEVIN slides his chair out from the table and stands. 

KAREN slides her chair out from the table and stands.

They stand awkwardly at the opposite ends of the table.

KEVIN
OK...why don’t we give it a go.

KAREN walks toward KEVIN. KEVIN takes a step out from the table, gives KAREN a pat on the shoulder and allows her to pass by. 

KAREN passes by. KEVIN follows her upstairs to the bedroom.


INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT

KAREN and KEVIN file into the bedroom.

KAREN’S hand goes for the switch to the room.

KAREN
Lights on or off?

KEVIN
I don’t know. We have to think practically. On, I guess.

KAREN switches on the lights. Unerotic brightness floods the room.

KAREN leads the way to the foot of the bed, turns around and faces KEVIN.

They stand awkwardly and look at each other for a few silent moments.

KAREN
Well, should we undress each other or ourselves?

KEVIN
Um...we better undress ourselves.

KAREN
Can we watch each other?

KEVIN
No, it’s best if we do it at the same time, Karen.

KEVIN unbuttons his shirt and folds it neatly.

KAREN slips off her sweater and also folds it neatly.

They undress themselves methodically, folding their respective articles of clothing as they go.

Soon, they both stand within the bright light, completely naked.

KAREN’S eyes roam down to KEVIN’S waist area.

KEVIN sees where she’s looking.

KEVIN
Yeah, just make sure you’re looking at my eyes, honey.

KEVIN’S eyes unconsciously wander down to KAREN’S chest and waist.

KAREN
You too.

KEVIN controls his eyes.

KAREN and KEVIN stand there, naked, looking into each other’s eyes.

More awkward silence.

KAREN (CONT’D)
We do have to touch each other, you know.

KEVIN
Yeah, I’m just trying to think of the best way to approach this, honey.

KEVIN nervously inhales some air.

KAREN stands by the bed, rubs her nose, and patiently waits for her husband to make a move.

KEVIN inhales some more air and awkwardly moves toward KAREN.

KAREN and KEVIN merge together.

And hug.

KEVIN
I love you, honey.

KAREN
I love you too.

They break apart and resume looking into each other’s eyes. 

KAREN
Is kissing OK?

KEVIN smiles.

KEVIN
Yeah, ‘course it’s OK...

KEVIN brings his lips to KAREN’S lips. 

KEVIN (CONT’D)
...but...um...no tongue.

Without puckering, KAREN and KEVIN rub their lips together for a few seconds.

Then, they resume looking into each other’s eyes.

KAREN
I never knew your eyes were two different colors.

KEVIN isn’t too concerned about that.

KEVIN
Um...yeah...let’s try to concentrate, honey.

KAREN’S eyes roll down to KEVIN’S waist.

KEVIN sees them roll.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Whoa boy! Karen, watch those eyes!

KAREN
Well...I was just noticing that your...um...flag is still at half mast.

KEVIN’S eyes roam down to his waist.

KEVIN
You’re right.

KAREN goes down to her knees.

KEVIN realizes what she’s up to and jumps away.

KEVIN
Karen...NO! 

KAREN is startled by KEVIN’S outburst.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Oh no-no, Karen. No-no. That’s filthy. No, we can’t have any of that.

KAREN is frustrated. She gets to her feet.

KAREN
Well, we gotta do something to get it up. 

KEVIN knows she’s right. He rubs his chin to think for a moment. 

Then he glances at his flag.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Let me see what I can do.

Keeping his eyes on KAREN’S eyes, he reaches down to his waist and does a little work on himself.

KAREN waits patiently for KEVIN to get his flag up.

KEVIN is having some trouble. He needs a little something to assist him.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
One moment, honey.

He waddles over to a dresser in the middle of the room.

And slides open the top middle drawer.

Inside, there is a pair of handcuffs, a package of rubbers, a whip, numerous sex toys, dirty magazines, other SNM-type accessories...and a jar of Vaseline.

He grabs the jar of Vaseline and shuts the drawer.

KEVIN scoops some Vaseline out of the container and resumes raising his flag.

KEVIN
You know, when I first met you, Karen, it was love at first sight.

KAREN smiles.

KAREN
Same here.

KEVIN
I love you so much.

KAREN
I love you so much too.

KEVIN raises his flag just a bit more.

KEVIN
OK, it’s just about ready. Why don’t you hop on the bed and get into position, honey.

KAREN does just that. She hops on the bed, crawls toward the headboard and waits for KEVIN on all fours.

KEVIN does a double-take.

KEVIN
Whoa boy!..um, that’s probably not the most appropriate position, honey. 

KAREN realizes her mistake.

KAREN
Oh, sorry. Just a habit, I guess.

KEVIN
That’s OK. We’re gonna need something a little more wholesome, though.

KAREN gets out of her doggie-style position, flips onto her back and tests out other positions.

KEVIN takes a few steps toward the bed.

KEVIN
OK. Here ‘comes.

But he’s not fully ready.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Darn this thing.

He stops at the foot of the bed and resumes raising the flag some more.

KAREN takes advantage of the interlude and checks for dirt underneath her fingernails.

KEVIN finishes.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
OK. I think it’s all set now.

He hops onto the bed and crawls toward KAREN, now on her back.  

KEVIN
How’s it going on your end, Karen?

KAREN
Um...pretty good.

He smiles awkwardly.

KEVIN
Are you ready to make love to me?

KAREN kiddingly wiggles her eyebrows.

KAREN 
Oh, yes.

And KEVIN hesitates.

KEVIN
That reminds me...try not to make any sounds...just for tonight. OK, honey?

KAREN
Sounds?

KEVIN
Yeah, no puppy-pants, wails or moans...just for tonight.

KAREN
Oh, all right. 

KEVIN starts to go in for the kill...but he hesitates...again.

KEVIN
One more thing. Don’t call me Daddy...

KAREN
OK.

KEVIN
...or T-1000...

KAREN
OK.

KEVIN
...or Sir Lancelot the Brave.

KAREN
Gee, honey...you really think all that’s necessary?

KEVIN
Yeah. I DO, Karen. This is our son we’re talking about here.

KAREN
Son?

KEVIN rolls his eyes.

KEVIN
You know what I mean.

KEVIN gives KAREN a brief moment to reflect.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Now, look into my eyes and think about how much you love me.

KEVIN finally moves his troops over the front line.

KAREN squints her eyes.

KAREN
Ohhhhhhwwwwwwwwaaaaaa...

KEVIN pulls back out.

KEVIN
Whoa boy...oh no. No, Karen. You can’t be doing that. See, that’s what I was talking about. Those noises. They’re much too inappropriate.

KAREN
You don’t know how it feels, hun. I gotta be able to make at least SOME noise.

KEVIN rolls to his side and thinks for a moment.

KEVIN
Okay. Just make sure any sound you make comes straight from the heart.

KAREN
I’ll try.

KEVIN
You’ll try?

KAREN
I WILL. Come on, honey. Are we gonna do this or not? I’m getting tired.

KEVIN
We will, but we gotta keep things clean. One slip-up could ruin our boy’s entire life. OK?  

KAREN knows her husband is right and relaxes.

KAREN
OK.

KEVIN
Let’s give it a go, then.

KEVIN moves his troops back into position and restarts his offensive.

KAREN grunts a little bit as the troops go in, but she more or less does a good job keeping things G-rated.

KEVIN’S face is stoic as he proceeds to move his troops back and forth across the front line.

Then, KAREN unconsciously starts to get a little wild.

Her hands clasp onto the bed’s comforter.

KAREN
Kevin! Oh, Kevin! Yes, Kevin!

KEVIN gives JANE a hairy eyeball.

KEVIN
Uh...Karen...

KAREN ignores him.

KAREN
Kevin! Kevin! Oh, Kevin! Spank my ass! Oh Kevin!

KEVIN pulls out.

KAREN’S face is wild.

KAREN (CONT’D)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON’T STOP!!!

KEVIN
Did you say what I think you said?

KAREN gets a hold of herself and puts on an innocent face.

KAREN
No.

KEVIN
Please tell me you didn’t say what I think you said.

KAREN
What do you think I said?

KEVIN
You said...
(whispering)
...’spank my ass’.

KAREN
I didn’t say ‘spank my ass’...did I?

KEVIN
That kind of conversation is fine any other night, but honey...we’re making a baby here.

KAREN
Well, if I DID say ‘spank my ass’ it must have just slipped out. These are all tough habits to break, you know.

KEVIN still hesitates.

KEVIN
And are you sure those moans are coming from your heart?

KAREN
Yeah, I’m thinking about how much I love you, so, yeah, they MUST be.

KEVIN looks down towards his flag.

KEVIN
Oh, come on...

KAREN
What’s wrong?

She looks down towards his flag and sees what’s the matter.

KAREN (CONT’D)
Oh.

KEVIN sits up, slides to edge of the bed and puts his head into his hands.

KAREN
Kevin...it’s all right. We’ll get it up again.

KEVIN
No, it’s not that. 

KAREN
What is it, then?

KEVIN
I don’t know if I can go through with this.

KAREN sits up and joins KEVIN at the edge of the bed.

KAREN
What?

KEVIN
The line between love and lust is too blurry.

KAREN places her hand on KEVIN’S thy, to comfort him.

KEVIN flinches.

KAREN
Relax, honey. 

She keeps her hand on his thy and starts rubbing his skin.

KAREN (CONT’D)
Just because we do something a little kinky tonight doesn’t mean our daughter’s gonna grow up to be evil. We just have to do what feels natural for us. 

KEVIN lifts his head out of his hands.

KEVIN
You think so?

KAREN
If God didn’t approve of what we were doing, he would’ve come up with another way.

KEVIN lets everything sink in for a moment.

KEVIN
Well, that’s a relief. Because I can’t really perform well unless I’m able to spank your ass.

KAREN wiggles her eyebrows.

KAREN
Yeah, I know what you mean. I have trouble getting in the mood when I can’t call you T-1000.

KEVIN
I love you, Karen. And, yes, I also lust for you.

KAREN
I love and lust you, Kevin.

KEVIN jumps up from the bed, runs to the drawer full of SNM goodies, pulls it out of the dresser, runs back to the bed...

KEVIN
Now tell me something, honey...

And dumps the goodies onto the sheets.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
...Who’s your daddy?


THE END


 


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