What I Learned on New Year's Eve

1. Call beforehand and make sure the club you go to has a coat-check. Also make sure that when they say they have a "coat-check" they don't really mean a "coat-rack." Drunk people, for some weird reason, often "mistake" somebody else's coat on the rack for their own, especially if it's - oh, I don't know - an expensive grey London Fog trench coat from Sears!!! If you're reading this, fuck-face...what goes around comes around, bitch.


2. Have your friend tell the DJ to announce that you just came back from Iraq. You'll have absolutely no problem finding a girl to kiss at midnight.


3. If a wicked hot girl with boobs spilling out of her tank-top comes up to you and asks if you're "with a girl tonight," basically insinuating that she wants to make out with you at the stroke of midnight, whatever you do, do NOT say "yes"...even if you did...technically...happen to come with...a person...who wasn't of the male sex. Dude, if only life had a rewind button.


4. "I won my High School Freshman semi-formal dance contest" isn't a good pick-up line, despite what you would think.


5. Girls enjoy watching their boyfriends get in fights and win. This is why they'll grind with you, pretend that you touched their boobs while grinding with you, scream, run off and tell their boyfriend. Then the boyfriend will try to kick your ass in, especially if you're a lot smaller than him. Not that this happened to me or anything...


6. When...If...Don't...All right, I touched a girl's boobs while grinding with her, but it was an accident. There's, what, like two inches of space you can grab on a girl's body that lies outside of the bathing suit area? It's almost impossible to avoid the boobs.


6. When...If...Don't...But, seriously, why did the girl feel so violated when I touched her boobs anyway? I mean, I was already humping my crotch into her ass.


6 (For real this time). Don't grind with a girl during the song "Jump Around." You will definitely end up touching her boobs then.


7. Don't grind with a girl during the song "I like big butts." You won't touch her boobs but you'll touch her butt.


8. Strap it down before you grind with a girl...or think of baseball while doing it, though that kind of defeats the purpose of grinding with a girl.


9. Knowing how to do the "roger rabbit" doesn't impress girls anymore. Neither does the "running man," "the worm" or "the lawnmower." But knowing how to grind without getting a stiffy does!


10. Grinding is the stupidest thing ever invented.


11. Girls are evil.


12. I should've gotten a kiss at midnight, but didn't because girls are evil.


13. Spending New Years at a club in Boston is a good thing to do if you want to get your ass kicked in and/or get a boner in public and/or not get a kiss at midnight. Thank you very much folks! I'm done with this blog!


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