Torture Device


Send me back to medieval times
Where they used that quartering technique
Or put me in GTMO
And waterboard me
Or put me on a bed of nails
Anything physical
Please

I tell you all that
Would be unpleasant
But if you really want to torture me
It’s my mind you have to use
As the device

And I’m not talking sleep deprivation
Or light deprivation
I’m talking something
Much more simple

Listen here, now…

My mind has the tendency to say
Coulda Shoulda Woulda
Relentlessly
It dwells on the past
And even if I know that’s ridiculous
I still do it
I still do it
I still do it

“If I only I did THIS
My reality now would be different
I ruined my destiny
Because I did that one thing
A little bit wrong
Because of that small thing I did
Or that small bad decision I made
My life is forever altered
An alternative reality
That wasn’t ‘supposed’ to exist
Now exists
And because it wasn’t ‘meant to be’
It’s in disharmony with the universe
And because it’s not in harmony
It is hell for me”

That’s what my mind tells me
And people say don’t dwell on the past
And on some abstract level I understand this
I get it
But when it comes down to practical reality
The mind still gets the better of me
Every time

You can inflict me
With any amount of physical pain
It will be unpleasant and I will scream
But if you really want to torture me something nasty
Then put the idea into my mind
That I made a small, bad decision
One that knocked me off my proper life path
To the point
Where I’ll never find my way back
To my predetermined destiny
And I’m trapped in an alternative reality
That never should have existed
And there’s no way back
No pathway
To that better reality

Because when you have such thoughts
In your head
You are experiencing true torture
The worst of all torture
That can ever exist

 


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