Ten things that piss me off!

10 Things That Piss Me Off...In the classroom...

1. The pressure one feels during the first few weeks of class to make a comment. Doing so breaks the ice and establishes yourself within the classroom as a “talker.” If you don’t say anything within the first few classes, you doom yourself to being labeled as the “quiet kid” and you know you won’t ever be able to make a comment without every single dildo in the class staring at you because the “quiet kid” is actually talking!


2. When teachers say, “that’s interesting” after you make a comment. This is usually their nice way of letting you know that your comment was about as dumb as it gets. In fact, I think I’d prefer for the teachers to say, “That comment was as dumb as it gets” because then, at least, everybody in the class would laugh and you could kind of just pretend that you’re the class clown or something like that.


3. Like in so many other scenarios…when you gotta fart. Having to fart in a classroom environment is basically a Catch-22 situation. On one hand, if you let it out, there’s a good chance it will be a loud, Ruffles-with-Ridges fart or at least a stinky, Casper-the-friendly-ghost fart. On the other hand, if you hold the fart in, there’s a very good chance that you’ll have an internal fart. Internal farts take place inside your stomach. It’s just the air getting passed from one chamber of the intestines to the next, but they sound like and are just as loud as regular, external farts. And, unlike external farts, you can have internal farts over and over again, because the air never actually leaves your body! It just gets passed from one chamber to another for as long as you’re in the class. In conclusion, as crazy as it may seem, it’s sometimes worth the risk to let your fart out during class, despite the possible sounds or smells.


4. When teachers randomly CALL on students. This is the worst, because you basically spend all class worrying about being called on with your pants down and can’t even pay attention to what’s being said during the lecture. It’s probably the worst thing teachers can do if they want their students to actually LEARN stuff during class.


5. (Somewhat related to # 4) When you’re called on to read a passage out of a book, because nine-times-out-of-ten you’ll come to a word that you don’t know how to pronounce (but everybody else knows how to pronounce) and you look like a fuckin’ douche-times-infinity when you TRY to pronounce it. It always takes teachers, like, ten minutes to realize that you need help pronouncing it…or maybe they just enjoy watching you be a douche in front of everyone in the class. Yes, I think that’s it. No apple for them.


6. When there’s a wicked hot girl sitting at the desk in front of you and her short shirt is riding up her lower back. OK, I could either a) watch an 80-year-old fart stand at a podium talking about Ancient Mayan civilizations or b) look at some wicked hot girl’s undapants, which, in various cases, is down far enough to reveal the wicked hot girl’s bum-crack. What am I gonna look at, ya know? Yeah, I sound like a complete perv right now, but, I mean, it’s true that I’d look at the bum-crack and I hate that it’s true because my grades suffer because of it. I mean, when there’s a hot girl’s bum-crack, like, six inches in front of you, you HAVE to look at it, whether you’re a man, woman…whoever. And the girl’s gotta know that her bum-crack is on display because, well, you just gotta be stupid if you don’t feel the draft back there. That's right - you girls always play dumb, but you’re so aware of what you’re doing. It’s so obvious that you know your bum-crack's on display. You do know, don’t you? Don’t you?! Oh, that’s hot, baby! Hot!!!


7. When one of the kids in the class is a goddamn human Thesaurus. You know, he says “concur” when he could just say “agree,” and “essentially” when he could just say “basically,” and “penis” when he could just say “cock ‘n balls.” I hate those assholes.


8. There is no number eight.


9. When you watch a boring film or a documentary and you have to constantly fight the sleeping fairies away. You really just want to let them take you off to their faraway land, but the teacher will know if you let them. You MUST watch the film, even though the film was made in 1962 and has absolutely no relevance to the topic you’re studying…unless, of course, you were studying it in the year 1962.


10. When you have a nipple on your ass. Wait, that’s just my own personal problem. It probably doesn’t belong in this blog. Well, maybe it does. Come on, you guys know what it’s like having a nipple on your ass, don’t you? Please! Tell me I’m not alone! Ah, shit…


In Church...

1. When there are a couple of non-kneelers sitting in the pew in front of you. These assholes are people who don't kneel when they're supposed to. This, of course, makes it difficult for you to kneel because you a) don't have anywhere to put your elbows and b) have no choice but to put your nose about an inch away from the non-kneeler's hair. These non-kneelers usually come in the form of frail elderly ladies or pathetic fatasses. Either way, these dipshits should have the courtesy to sit in the very back pew so that there is nobody sitting behind them to sniff their fish-odored hair.


2. When there is a wicked hot girl in line at Communion and you want to check out her ass but know you can't do so without buying yourself a one-way ticket to hell.


3. When you get a mean-ass NRB during the homily. Girls, if you're not familiar with the term, NRB stands for "no-reason boner." This is an erection that is caused - not by an external sexual stimulus - but by an irregular blood flow near or around the male pelvic area. Sitting through a long, boring homily is usually all it takes to get the blood flowing in this manner. Unlike WRB's (well-reasoned boners) NRB's can't be controlled. Thinking about baseball or grandma taking a cold shower won't help you out any. All you can do is pray to God that your NRB disappears before you have to stand to profess your faith.


4. When the priest takes, like, five minutes to put the goddamn Host in your hands. This is usually because you either forgot to say 'Amen' after "the bahaawdy of Christ" or because the priest didn't hear you say 'Amen'. Either way, YOU'RE the one who looks like the jackass.


5. When there are aisle-huggers in every friggin' pew. Aisle-huggers are those sons of bitches who sit right by the aisle and leave the rest of the pew wide open. This means that when you come into Mass late you have to a) say 'excuse me' and get stared at by all the bored parishioners around you who are desperate for a diversion and b) climb/trip over the feet of the aisle-huggers to get into the pew, which only serves to make the diversion all the more entertaining.


6. a) When you're pretty much the only dumbass who stays after Communion. b) When you're pretty much the only dumbass who leaves after Communion.


7. When there's a SECOND collection.


8. When the priest tells stupid jokes during the homily and everyone in your vicinity chuckles. This, of course, forces you to chuckle because you a) don't want to be the only one not chuckling and b) have a subconscious fear that if you don't chuckle you'll go to hell.


9. When somebody with fat, wet lips drinks from the chalice and the Eucharistic Minister wipes the wrong side.


10. When a representative from the Knights of Columbus, Lions Club or Our Lady of Sorrows organization gives a talk after Communion that lasts forever and you're forced to stay and listen to it because of those stupid-ass aisle huggers who box you in on both sides. Argh!


At the movies...

1. Obviously you got your usual cell phone disturbances and heavy breathing and loud popcorn chewing and occasional stomach grumbling and milk-dud shaking and sporadic farting.


2. When I gotta take a mega-piss, mainly because some pimple-faced teenage dildo successfully managed to upsell me a 88oz. fountain soda with free refills. Little bastard gets me every time.


3. When your movie-going partner gives you a look whenever there's a funny part during a movie and doesn't stop looking at you until they see you laugh. This, of course, makes you feel obligated to laugh, even at parts that you don't find the least bit funny.


4. When your movie-going partner turns to you after every single movie preview and whispers in his/her popcorn-stenched breath, "That looks good, huh?" or "That's gonna be awesome" or "That'll be hilarous" or something along those lines.


5. When you can hear the dude behind you let out a grunt after every major plot-point in the movie, almost as though he wants everyone around him to know that he "got it".


6. When the douche-bag sitting behind you rests their feet on the back of your chair and rocks you so much that you gotta have a fuckin pack of Dramamine on hand.


7. When there's a goddamn Jimmy Fund PSA before the previews start and a couple of dipshit theater employees go around the theater with a cup looking for donations. Hmmm...maybe they should just donate a percentage of the profit they get for charging four bucks for a fuckin small soda (or maybe I should say a small cup of ice).


8. Coughers. If you have a cold, rent a DVD and stay the fuck home. It's simple movie-going etiquette.


9. When a couple of ass-munches treat the movie as though it's a goddamn choose-your-own-adventure book. "No, don't go that way Spidahman" or "Kick his ass, spidahman." Sorry, folks...the movie's already been written and filmed. No, you don't have the power to steer the hero's fate.


10. When you're watching a movie in the theater with a pre-dominantly black audience. Blacks, for some reason, don't understand the concept of passive entertainment. After every dis a character makes you'll hear "Oh, no he didn't" or "Put a cap in his ass," and even the overly cliched "You go girl." And after every slap-in-the-face or kill, you'll hear claps and cheers. I'm no racist but holy shit they can be annoying. Maybe I should just stop going to the Loews Boston Common matinees, though.


About Matt Burns
Films and Videos
Wedding/Event Videography
Paranormal Writing (NEW!)
Short Scripts/Stories
Essays/Blogs Archive
Fun Writing
Fan Mail
Contacting Matt Burns
e-mail me