Morning Anxiety


I often wake up in the morning
Earlier than usual
Maybe I have to pee
Or maybe my mind’s just racing

There’s something about waking up early
As opposed to waking up later
There’s a feeling of anxiety
Like I have to be somewhere
Somewhere out there in the world
With the rest of the day-people
The workers
Commuters

I feel the need to drive on the highways
And merge into the traffic
And partake in the peoples’ suffering
Getting into jams
Getting into gridlocks
Pulling my hair out
Elevating my blood pressure

Even though 
Most of these people
Are driving to jobs
With no real meaning behind them
I still feel the need
To hurry up out of bed
And join their world
To suffer like them
Because that’s what ‘good’ people do
Join the world’s misery
And if you don’t suffer
If you refuse to suffer
You become the alien.

I usually don’t join the day-people
Mostly because I don’t have their kind of a job
But when I don’t join them
I feel anxious
Very anxious

I DO THINGS with my life
Some of these things make money 
Some of these things don’t make money
But are still important
Yet, I still feel anxious
Ashamed
Abashed
That I’m not getting out of the warm bed
Merging onto the cold highways
Joining the cold traffic
And participating
In their mostly meaningless, cold existences
Existences that are all about
Making money
Not in any greedy way
But because that’s all they know
How to do
That’s all they know
TO DO
Make money

I believe this anxiety
Is a result of a conditioning
A wiring of my brain at an early age
From the start of school until the end of school
Conditioned to think that a good person 
Gets up at the butt-crack of dawn
And goes somewhere
Out there in the world
And wastes most of their time

And if you sleep in a little later
Get up and have way more energy
To do something meaningful with your life
You are a bad person
Selfish
Lazy
Something like this

I must rewire my brain
And when I do
Hopefully the morning anxiety
Will go away

 


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