Books


NOTE: All of these books by Matt Burns are now available on Amazon.com (unless otherwise noted).

 

GARAGE MOVIE: MY ADVENTURES MAKING WEIRD FILMS


Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the movies, for watching movies is how you and I spend a great deal of our lives. You are interested in the unknown...the mysterious...the unexplainable moviemaking process...that is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened during those fateful filmmaking days. We are giving you ALL the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents...the places...my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts behind...

The weird films of Matthew J. Burns, non-Jr.? Cue lightning strike.

In what critics are not yet calling anything, the somewhat-acclaimed filmmaker Matt Burns takes us on a fun-filled moviemaking adventure, starting with his days as a student filmmaker at Boston University and culminating with his days pitching screenplays to some of the most powerful figures in Hollywood. During the ride, he spills all the secrets behind the making of his wacky short films, including "Gutter", "British Dingo from Ireland", "Wendel's Revenge", "Sympathy for Hitler's Soul" and even his spooky paranormal documentary "A Parallel World"!

But that's not all. This at-times hilarious, easy-to-read moviemaking memoir also includes a layman's account of Burns' filmmaking, screenwriting and pitching process. You'll be left feeling inspired to go on out there and make DIY movies, write scripts and, most importantly, embrace your inner weirdo!

Wait, that's still not all. In each book chapter, Burns provides simple, one-click hyperlinks that enable you to view each of his films on YouTube as you're reading about them. All you need is Wi-Fi access on your Kindle device and you have yourself a book on film like you've never had before!

My friend, you just CANNOT wait any longer. You must read GARAGE MOVIE...before it's too late!


Get Garage Movie HERE!



 

JOHNNY CRUISE: A NOVEL


Matt Burns' debut novel "Johnny Cruise" is a contemporary Jekyll-and-Hyde tale about a famous movie star who's at war with his abusive public persona, which has LITERALLY taken on a life of its own.

John Cruise (the person) stays secluded inside his mansion high up in the Hollywood Hills while Johnny (the persona) leaves the mansion and does all the movies, premieres, press events, charity events, interviews and talk show appearances. John desperately wants to leave the house and show the public the REAL him, but Johnny abusively makes him stay inside, warning him that the public won't like what it sees and his career will be ruined.

Burns brilliantly weaves dark humor into this dark portrait of an extremely insecure man who'll do anything to look good - or at least stay - in the public eye. Even if it means killing off his real self in the process.

"Johnny Cruise" is a must-read for anybody interested in America's celebrity culture, the dark side of Hollywood, and - more generally - the dark side of the American dream. The novel is destined to find a place for itself on the bookshelf beside such classic Hollywood novels as Nathanael West's "The Day of the Locust", Fitzgerald's "The Love of the Last Tycoon" and Bukowski's "Hollywood".

Get Johnny Cruise HERE.


 

THE WOMAN AND THE DRAGON: A NOVELLA


Acclaimed author Matt Burns presents his most unique piece of literature yet. "The Woman and the Dragon" is a meticulously-researched work of religious fiction loosely based on Chapter 12 in the Holy Bible's Book of Revelation. It is a story about the timeless struggle between good and evil and how the latter can so easily take on the guise of the former.

High up in the kingdom of heaven, God has announced the birth of a man, Jesus, whom will miraculously be born to a virgin Mary, save the world from sin and forever help rule heaven and earth at God's right hand. The Archangel Lucifer, heaven's fairest of angels, believes God is foolish for depending on a weak mortal to save the sinning world. Lucifer launches a revolution in heaven to overthrow the reckless God, but he loses this war and is cast unto the earth. Banished from heaven, Lucifer is all the more determined to thwart God's plans with Jesus, for the fallen angel is convinced the Virgin Mary's son will only misguide Man more than he already is...

But is it good will driving Lucifer's quest to stop Jesus? Or is it envy?

Not since Milton's "Paradise Lost" has there been such a complex portrait of "the devil" and a complex depiction of how this devil tries to manipulate and deceive us in the most complex of ways. Burns cleverly weaves a subtle sense of humor into the profound and, at times, dark tale that is "The Woman and the Dragon". This is a must-read for both the religious and the non-religious.

Get The Woman and the Dragon HERE.


 

THREE A.M.: Selected Poetry 2013-2017


Over the years, acclaimed writer Matt Burns has written novels, memoirs, short stories, essays and screenplays but one style of writing he never thought he would try was poetry. This was because he was intimidated by the form and the rhymes. Also...well, let's face it folks: he thought poetry was wussy.

Burns' attitude changed, however, one night in January 2013 at around three o'clock in the morning. He was surfing through Netflix and stumbled upon a documentary on the unconventional poet Charles "Hank" Bukowski. Burns was immediately fascinated by Bukowski's work and realized that poetry didn't need form or rhymes. Also, poems could be about non-wussy things that were gritty! And raw!

That night, Burns tried writing his very first poem. It went well. It went really well. From that point forward, Burns was officially bitten by the poetry bug, and thus ensued a four-year period where Burns pretty much wrote nothing but poetry.

"THREE A.M." is a collection of that poetry.

At times very dark, at other times very funny, Burns' raw and gritty poetry is a must-read for fans of the Bukowski poetic style. Subjects range from politics to social studies to current events, media, philosophy, psychology, spirituality, religion, human nature, sex, drinking, love, hate...and much, much more. There are over 250 poems in this diverse collection of poetry so there is bound to be something for everyone.

Get Three A.M. HERE.


 

JUNGLE F'NG FEVER: My 30-Year Love Affair with Guns N' Roses


First, Slash wrote his memoir. Then Duff wrote one, too. We even heard from one of the GNR roadies in his own (unauthorized) memoir.

But now it’s time to read all about Guns and f’ng Roses…from a fan’s perspective. Are you a fan of Guns N’ f’ng Roses? Well, Matt Burns is f’ng too.

And he’s written a Kindle single about his 30-year GNR love affair, one that all starts when he first sees the “Welcome to the Jungle” video on MTV in 1988 and culminates with finally seeing the newly-reunited GNR live in 2016.

What happens in between? Tears, drugs, booze, womanizing, dolphins, weddings, funerals, night trains, rocket queens, a T-1000 robot that just keeps coming…and a whole lotta jungle f’ng fever, that’s what.

Read how Burns became so obsessed with Guns N’ Roses that he listened to nothing but the ‘Appetite’ album, from first note to last, for a year straight.

How at the tender age of seven, he nearly gave his grandmother a heart attack by screaming, “Nanny, do YOU know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby!”

Hear the gripping details as Burns becomes an international superstar (OK, slightly better known around town) as “the guy who sings ‘Welcome to the Jungle’” at local karaoke bars. It was a performance so sensational that he won a spot in a regional karaoke contest. Did he win? Did AXL join him onstage? Did he even show up to compete? You’ll have to read and find out!

From the man who brought you "My Raging Case of Beastie Fever," this full throttle trip down memory lane is essential reading for any GNR fan looking to feed their jungle f’ng fever.

Get Jungle F'ng Fever HERE.


 

MY RAGING CASE OF BEASTIE FEVER


The year is 1987. A young Matt Burns is home sick from kindergarten. He’s tired of watching daytime cartoons like “Thunder Cats” and “Gummy Bears”. He makes sure his mom isn’t around…he sneakily switches the channel to MTV…and what he sees will change his life forever:

It’s three rappers and they’re crashing some nerdy house party. These guys are rude and crude and, most strikingly, they’re…white? Wait-whaaa? Rappers? White?! This is strange. This is something Burns has never seen before. He’s fascinated and can’t look away. In fact, he pretty much won’t look away for about 30 years…

When you look up “Beastie Boys super-fan” in the dictionary (it’s in there, trust me), you will find a picture of Matt Burns. Over the years, he has performed both “Sure Shot” and “Pass the Mic” in his middle school talent shows, written all his college application essays on the Beastie Boys and made a point to wear a Beastie Boys T-shirt every single day of his senior year in high school. This latter feat may have actually been a world record, though it was never officially acknowledged by Guinness (it’s all politics - you know how it is).

From the writer who brought you “Jungle F’ng Fever: My 30-Year Love Affair with Guns N’ Roses” (now on Amazon), this new and hilarious fan memoir is essential reading for any true Beasties fan out there. This is a story about Matt Burns’ love of the Beastie Boys. This is a story about his raging case of Beastie Fever.

Get Beastie Fever HERE.


 

BOSTONWOOD


It's September 15, 2015. A Tuesday afternoon. Matt Burns pays a visit to the packie (i.e. liquor store for you non-Bostonians) and purchases a Four Loco. Then he hops on a train into Boston. He sneakily sips the flavored malt liquor when the conductor's not looking tee-hee. Where's he going? The "Black Mass" movie premiere. Why? So he can catch a glimpse of his favorite movie star: Johnny fregging Depp!

Flash forward several months later. Sunday, March 2016, 7:30am. Matt Burns considers purchasing a Four Loco but, no, he determines it's much too early for that. He drives into Boston sipping on a coffee instead. His destination? An open casting call for a movie starring Mark Wahlberg. The movie is based on the Boston Marathon bombings. This movie will be called "Patriots' Day".

So what do you get when you take Burns' adventures at the "Black Mass" premiere, combine them with his adventures at the "Patriots' Day" audition, then take all said adventures and toss them like chests of tea into a harbor of dirty water and then let them...uh...stew a bit?

You get a book, obviously! A book called "BOSTONWOOD"!

"BOSTONWOOD" is Burns' first-hand account of his Tinseltown-like adventures in the city of Beantown. At times hilarious and at other times deeply philosophical, "BOSTONWOOD" is a must-read for Johnny Depp fans, Mark Wahlberg fans and anybody who would like to live vicariously through Matt Burns' glamorous Bostonwood lifestyle.

Get Bostonwood HERE.


 

I USED TO BE A GAMER: The 8-bit Nintendo Years


Finally, the book all video gaming fanatics have been waiting for! I USED TO BE A GAMER is a short, fun memoir inspired by Nintendo's recent release of the “Nintendo Classic”: a plug-n-play game consul featuring 50 pre-loaded 8-bit Nintendo games. Acclaimed writer Matt Burns (author of JUNGLE F'NG FEVER: MY 30-YEAR LOVE AFFAIR WITH GUNS N' ROSES, MY RAGING CASE OF BEASTIE FEVER, and BOSTONWOOD) takes us on a trip down 8-bit Nintendo lane, reliving his long-lost childhood of insane Nintendo gaming.

In his travels, Burns revisits such classic Nintendo games as Rush’n Attack, Ghosts ’n Goblins, R.C. Pro-AM, Contra, Life Force, Jackal, Rampage, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, Mega Man 2 and, of course, both The Legend of Zelda and Super Mario Bros. 1-3. He recounts all the fun times he had BUYING these games, usually at (the late) Kay Bee Toys...PLAYING these games, always until his thumbs blistered...and BEATING these games, often...um, ok, always...with the help of some up-up-down-down codes.

Whether you’re a current gamer or former gamer, this Kindle single is sure to be a fun, quick, nostalgic-filled read. Slip into some plumber overalls, eat a mushroom and join Burns in warping back to the late 80s/early 90s to relive your 8-bit Nintendo gaming days! And remember, if you're reading this book...NOW YOU'RE READING WITH POWER!

Get I Used to be a Gamer HERE.


 

THREE DAYS IN HOLLYWOOD


Hollywood, California U.S.A. It’s a town that exists in people’s dreams much more than it does in people’s realities. This is a story about the reality of Hollywood. The good. The bad. And, yes, the sometimes ugly…

Fresh out of film school, 23-year-old Matt Burns books a flight to California and spends three days in Hollywood at his friend’s apartment right off Hollywood Boulevard. He explores the walk-of-fame, the Chinese Theater, the Hollywood Hills, Sunset Boulevard, Bel Air, Pink’s hotdog stand...he even makes a "pilgrimage" to the former residence of his favorite movie director: John Cassavetes.

At first, Burns is hypnotized by the palm trees, the neon lights and the overall fact that he’s in frigging Hollywood, the ultimate “place to be”. But then the veil over Hollywood gradually starts to lift and he finds himself being exposed to a world of drugs, homelessness and an overall success-driven environment filled with bitterness and desperation.

Burns’ unique writing style combines humor with thoughtful introspection, together creating both a fun and profound travel memoir. Not since Nathanael West’s "The Day of the Locust" has there been such an honest account of the fascinating and multi-faceted town that is Hollywood.

Get Three Days in Hollywood HERE.


 

THE BURNZO PAPERS: Selected Articles & Essays


In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower famously warned the American people about what-he-called the military industrial complex. He was referring to blatant conflicts of interest involved with defense companies and big banks profiting from war.

Today, Eisenhower must be rolling in his grave because the military industrial complex is bigger than ever...but it has also given birth to a new, monstrous, beastly child. This "child" is a MEDIA industrial complex that not only manipulates public opinion into supporting war but also profits handsomely from it.

With corporations now owning nearly all mainstream media outlets, journalism is no longer journalism. It is essentially propaganda meant to mold the public mind in a way so that it serves the interests and agendas of the war-hungry corporate world. For these reasons, true journalism is dead.

Except at The Burnzo Papers.

The Burnzo Papers is a compilation of articles and essays written by acclaimed writer Matt Burns. His articles explore the corporate-run media industrial complex and how it exploits -- and sometimes even creates -- all kinds of warmongering negative news. This negative news functions as a means to justify a MILITARY industrial complex that keeps us "safe" from such world chaos.

The Papers cover a wide array of negative news topics, including the anti-Trump movement, the Orlando nightclub shooting, Bill Cosby rape allegations, measles outbreaks, cyber-hacking, racial division, Boston marathon bombings, gun control, celebrity meltdowns, celebrity deaths and much, MUCH more.

Some Burnzo Papers you may agree with. Others you may vehemently disagree with. But one thing you can count on is that these articles are free from corporate influence and strive for one thing and one thing only: THE TRUTH!

Get The Burnzo Papers HERE.


 


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